The fifty shades of everything.

Hello and welcome to the fifty shades of everything. I will be your host tonight, Anouk *applause*

Thank you, thank you. Tonight I wanted to talk about how the world has been lately. Every where around me people are getting fired, children get found, dead and they are just as usual complaining that this is no spring weather.

Lately everyone is sad and energy less, complaining about how tough life is but further that they do nothing. I am sick of these people. If you want something, say it. I you feel something, say it! Gosh, it is not that difficult to speak your mind! So I am frustrated, angry and disappointed.
Be happy with what you have and don't always think of the things you don't have! Look around! The sun is shining, people are living and the environment is doing it's best to keep everything in place. Don't be selfish and be kind to one another. Stand up for an older lady that comes into the bus! Have respect for them because in an while they will be gone! All the stories they never got to tell will be gone.

The fifty shades of everything is an list you can make for yourself. For example you take an theme like happiness and then you write all the things up that come to you mind. You can ask yourself; what makes me happy or when I think of happiness how do I imagine that? What means happiness? If you have done that you pick out the words that speak to you the most, write them in an chart and write beside is how you are going to archief this happiness. How do you get where you want to be and what steps do you have to take to go there.

I hope you all will have nice dreams and be good to one another!
Love, Anouk

The start of something new.

Een nieuw begin,
Een nieuw begin voor mij.
Voor alles dat ik achter laat en alles dat ik bij me houd.

Dit nieuwe begin zal het zelfde zijn als al die andere keren.
'Er was eens...' zal het mee beginnen
En daarna, dat weet ik nog niet.

Alle pijn die onbewust binnensloop, is nu weggegaan.
Daarom kan ik dan nu op mijn eigen benen staan.
Ook al doen mijn enkels soms nog zeer.

Tedere briesjes zullen in mijn gezicht slaan
En ijzig koude druppels zullen me voorbij gaan.
Onbewust begin je dan ook nog eens te rijmen, wat raar.

Nu begin is te lopen naar een avontuurlijk nieuw begin
De tijd ik voor me hield is nu ontsnapt
Rustig adem ik de frisse lucht in van een nieuw begin.

To tell the truth, The truth is, I lied, I am an liar

To tell the truth, is difficult.
To tell the truth, I think I am better then anyone in the whole world
To tell the truth, I am obsessed with myself.
To tell the truth, I am so obsessed that I can not love myself.
To tell the truth, I am selfish.
To tell the truth, I hate who I am.

The truth is, I hate how I isolate myself from where no one will see me.
The truth is, I am not that insecure anymore.
The truth is, I want to chase after my dream.
The truth is, I don't know what makes me that special from anyone else.
The truth is, I am ashamed of myself allot.

I lied, I am in love with a boy who is 2 years younger then me and I don't f*king care what you think.
I lied, I am alone and unhappy without a real reason.
I lied, I need friends.
I lied, I do want someone else then my parents to love me.
I lied, I think I can sing better than anyone in my choir.

I am an liar. To everyone including myself.
Telling the truth is difficult or is it not?

Theater, dat is wat ik wil: Gouden inspiratiebron.

Theater, dat is wat ik wil: Gouden inspiratiebron.: Donkere diepe meren die zich vullen met koud bergwater. Water dat blijft komen en de meren vult. Nergens een uitweg voor de vloeibare stof....

The life of an weird woman.

Hi blog! Yes this post is for you because all this time you have always been there for me.  I am changing and it feels great. I am seeing the things in life like I have never seen. An world is opening up to me. An  of social life full of excitement and adventures. I am missing the people from summercamp a lot! God, I feel alive. Also missing my friend from school but now that I have met new people who are not always kind to me, I feel like an unicorn in an field with business men who ignore me all the way, I can finally breath. Breath the air. Not worry about what other people may think of me. I am just being me in the good and bad way. Before long ago I have not been very good at expressing my feelings so now when I am not happy with something I just try to stay calm and just do what he says. That is how it is going to be. Peaceful. Probably won't work all the time but whatever. So I am sitting here right now on my internet in an spacebar eating chips and drinking an milkshake. And I don't fucking care what people they think. Yes that does feel goodd.
See you later! Greetz! Anouk

Souls

Hi and welcome to my blog.
Today has been an weird but strangely enjoying day even though nothing actually really happend.

Yesterday, I have started to watch an new serie called Switched at birth. It's about two families who's daughters got switched at birth and they just lived with them till one girl found out that her blood group is different then those of her parents. They get in contact with their real family and find out that the other girl is deaf. So I have almost all of season 1 and thought about it really hard and then decided that I want to learn sign language. I know it sound crazy for someone who has never, ever been in contact with someone who is deaf but I think I just really want to learn this.

So I searched around and I am going to buy some books about it. I told my parents and luckily they already have had tese moments of mine more in their lives. They said fine.
I think in my future it will come in handy and this way I can learn something most teenagers are not even bothered to learn about. Awesome right?

I said today is an weird day and that is because the hours just pass me by without me doing anything at all. It still feels like morning. and it has been slightly enjoying because I found something I like to do. To learn about.

I want to talk about souls. When I was four, I saw this film called 'Pocahontas'. I am sure you all know about it because we all just loooooove Disney. Anyway, Pocahontas is an spiritual, deep thinking, wise, full of soul and forgetting not mention beautiful girl. She is the princess of her tribe and she has an fiancee and everything is just fixed up all the way. All she needs to do is marry this native american man and everything will be happily ever after. Then suddenly an stranger shows up and they fall in love even tho their difference in culture.

I was a little girl who always felt different from the girls around her and my sister so when I saw that film I was feeling just.... connected to her somehow. She was the person who I wanted to be as an grown up. As an teenager. Someone who saw the good in evil and saw the world as something we have to care and live with not against. I wanted to be that spiritual girl who felt the wind, the breath of nature and the souls of all the things around me.

I am different. I have always been. I can hear voices in my head from animals around me. I can see things with my eyes most people cannot or wil not see. I can feel things others can not feel. How I know this? Because I just have been living with these thought my whole life. Why can I make friends so easily? Because I see what they like, want they don't like, why they are sad or happy. Everyone, everything is like an book for me that I just open and read.

You probably think I am weird because, well I am. But my whole life I have been trying to fit in, trying to make friends, trying to be someone I am not. I believe in things most people never heard of. I like things some people never even touched. I know things some people didn't know exist.
Today, I was touching, cuddling my dog. As I told in my last post, she isn't going to be around long anymore. To get is straight, I can not read the mind of anyone. Just by seeing behavior I notice things and come to know something about anything. She was... It was almost as if she was asking me if something was wrong.

I said,' Let's go outside.' She stood up and walked to the door. Then she laid on the grass and watched me as I put up an chair. I was looking at her. And then I realized that, of course, She also has an soul. An beautiful soul. The most purest, gentle soul of all. I walked towards her. We have two ways of cuddling, one that I lay down beside her and pet her and the other that I lay down behind her and she gets pet on her stomach. She just knew exact what I was going to do. I layed behind her and she was just totally silent. She just waited for me to cuddle up to her.

She is an hero to me. She is.... my best friend ever. And I am going to lose her. Sometime soon. As I told before, I put an picture of her in an frame and hanged it on my wall. It was one of the first pictures I took with (then) my new camera. She looks at the camera and she is just adorale. When I showed to my teacher last year she said it looked like she was crying but as I look upon  it now, I looks like she is trying to tell me something. I hope that would be something like: 'I love you' or 'I care for you'.

Some people might think I am crazy for being so hung up for my dog. 'I mean, it's an dog right?' is what they would probably say.  I believe that all things in life has an soul and has an meaning and is different all in their own way. Shit that sounded deep! :D When I see the pictures in my room I think of why I liked photography so much anyway. That is because every photo can have an meaning to it and I can finally put my soul into something. My soul and that of the one thing I take an picture of.

Well that is it going to be for today. Long enough don't you think?
I wished someone would actually read this. That would be so cool.
Great evening! Greetz! Anouk

The little lost bear.

Hi no one,
I am me. I am lost. All my life I have been thinking that all the people around me are better, smarter, more beautiful and way more interesting then me. All my life I felt like someone wanted to take everything I have and just trow it into the sea like a bag of garbage. So I thought I was.

The little lost bear began as an name for the "real" me. An girl who is scared of everything and never know what she wants. I thought that was wrong to be. Wrong to be insecure and wrong to be who I am and what I am. I am scared. I am scared of the whole world chasing my ass as if I am an little child. I am scared of being judged, being seen, being a part of something, having an habit and of being someone I wanted to be.

"There are many things to be afraid of in life but being nervous or being yourself is not one of them" said an teacher from drama classes. She was right. I am scared to admit that I am afraid of living. But luckily I am not the only one. Everyday I see, feel and read all this stuff on tumblr about people who are scared and insecure. Sad, happy, in love, lovesick, brokenhearted etc. So when I began to read all this stuff, I recognized myself. I have been there. I am there.

This stuff might be for some people a little bit too much over thinking but I think I am right to talk and think about it. I am doing the right thing in admitting that I am scared of the unknown and scared of living my life. There is no one to tell how to do tese things and if I start an talk about this subject people just change to them selfs or want to quit after 2 minutes saying this stuff is too 'deep'.

Yes, I am an teenage girl with the age of 18. I am immature, single, fantasying about guys liking me and I am an absolute dork for books about everything and nothing. Is that really totally wrong? Am I really that weird? HELLO Little lost bear speaking. do you have an emergency line for weird, crazy people? No? That is a pity.

I miss my friends. ALOT. Not the friends I have known for centuries but my school friends. D and E and M. I all miss them so much.  I wish I was just accepted in Photography and then I would be at school taking picture together with them. Sure I am speaking with friends. Over Whatsapp and facebook.

Mom said our dog won't live long anymore. And strangely enough, I was not mad at her anymore for bringing it up. I have cried already 4 times because I don't want Lara to leave us but when I see her walking that painfully, I kinda understand. It must be so painful and she must really feel tired. I hung a picture of her on my wall in my bedroom. I love her so much. Just anything can be told to her. She would always cuddle up to me when I was crying and I was cuddling up to her when she was afraid of the thunder. I am going to miss her so much and She will always stay in my heart. Where she belongs.

Today it was raining and you know how much I love rain. Singing in the rain all the way. I got all wet home. Yay tea, an blanket and the poncho I bought online that arrived! God, I love my bed.
Well that is it for so far. Any questions? Good. I wish you an good night then and say hello to an new girl. The name of her blog will be...... Nanook Makwa.
Interesting right? Tell you next time!
Greetz! Anouk