The life of an weird woman.

Hi blog! Yes this post is for you because all this time you have always been there for me.  I am changing and it feels great. I am seeing the things in life like I have never seen. An world is opening up to me. An  of social life full of excitement and adventures. I am missing the people from summercamp a lot! God, I feel alive. Also missing my friend from school but now that I have met new people who are not always kind to me, I feel like an unicorn in an field with business men who ignore me all the way, I can finally breath. Breath the air. Not worry about what other people may think of me. I am just being me in the good and bad way. Before long ago I have not been very good at expressing my feelings so now when I am not happy with something I just try to stay calm and just do what he says. That is how it is going to be. Peaceful. Probably won't work all the time but whatever. So I am sitting here right now on my internet in an spacebar eating chips and drinking an milkshake. And I don't fucking care what people they think. Yes that does feel goodd.
See you later! Greetz! Anouk

Souls

Hi and welcome to my blog.
Today has been an weird but strangely enjoying day even though nothing actually really happend.

Yesterday, I have started to watch an new serie called Switched at birth. It's about two families who's daughters got switched at birth and they just lived with them till one girl found out that her blood group is different then those of her parents. They get in contact with their real family and find out that the other girl is deaf. So I have almost all of season 1 and thought about it really hard and then decided that I want to learn sign language. I know it sound crazy for someone who has never, ever been in contact with someone who is deaf but I think I just really want to learn this.

So I searched around and I am going to buy some books about it. I told my parents and luckily they already have had tese moments of mine more in their lives. They said fine.
I think in my future it will come in handy and this way I can learn something most teenagers are not even bothered to learn about. Awesome right?

I said today is an weird day and that is because the hours just pass me by without me doing anything at all. It still feels like morning. and it has been slightly enjoying because I found something I like to do. To learn about.

I want to talk about souls. When I was four, I saw this film called 'Pocahontas'. I am sure you all know about it because we all just loooooove Disney. Anyway, Pocahontas is an spiritual, deep thinking, wise, full of soul and forgetting not mention beautiful girl. She is the princess of her tribe and she has an fiancee and everything is just fixed up all the way. All she needs to do is marry this native american man and everything will be happily ever after. Then suddenly an stranger shows up and they fall in love even tho their difference in culture.

I was a little girl who always felt different from the girls around her and my sister so when I saw that film I was feeling just.... connected to her somehow. She was the person who I wanted to be as an grown up. As an teenager. Someone who saw the good in evil and saw the world as something we have to care and live with not against. I wanted to be that spiritual girl who felt the wind, the breath of nature and the souls of all the things around me.

I am different. I have always been. I can hear voices in my head from animals around me. I can see things with my eyes most people cannot or wil not see. I can feel things others can not feel. How I know this? Because I just have been living with these thought my whole life. Why can I make friends so easily? Because I see what they like, want they don't like, why they are sad or happy. Everyone, everything is like an book for me that I just open and read.

You probably think I am weird because, well I am. But my whole life I have been trying to fit in, trying to make friends, trying to be someone I am not. I believe in things most people never heard of. I like things some people never even touched. I know things some people didn't know exist.
Today, I was touching, cuddling my dog. As I told in my last post, she isn't going to be around long anymore. To get is straight, I can not read the mind of anyone. Just by seeing behavior I notice things and come to know something about anything. She was... It was almost as if she was asking me if something was wrong.

I said,' Let's go outside.' She stood up and walked to the door. Then she laid on the grass and watched me as I put up an chair. I was looking at her. And then I realized that, of course, She also has an soul. An beautiful soul. The most purest, gentle soul of all. I walked towards her. We have two ways of cuddling, one that I lay down beside her and pet her and the other that I lay down behind her and she gets pet on her stomach. She just knew exact what I was going to do. I layed behind her and she was just totally silent. She just waited for me to cuddle up to her.

She is an hero to me. She is.... my best friend ever. And I am going to lose her. Sometime soon. As I told before, I put an picture of her in an frame and hanged it on my wall. It was one of the first pictures I took with (then) my new camera. She looks at the camera and she is just adorale. When I showed to my teacher last year she said it looked like she was crying but as I look upon  it now, I looks like she is trying to tell me something. I hope that would be something like: 'I love you' or 'I care for you'.

Some people might think I am crazy for being so hung up for my dog. 'I mean, it's an dog right?' is what they would probably say.  I believe that all things in life has an soul and has an meaning and is different all in their own way. Shit that sounded deep! :D When I see the pictures in my room I think of why I liked photography so much anyway. That is because every photo can have an meaning to it and I can finally put my soul into something. My soul and that of the one thing I take an picture of.

Well that is it going to be for today. Long enough don't you think?
I wished someone would actually read this. That would be so cool.
Great evening! Greetz! Anouk

The little lost bear.

Hi no one,
I am me. I am lost. All my life I have been thinking that all the people around me are better, smarter, more beautiful and way more interesting then me. All my life I felt like someone wanted to take everything I have and just trow it into the sea like a bag of garbage. So I thought I was.

The little lost bear began as an name for the "real" me. An girl who is scared of everything and never know what she wants. I thought that was wrong to be. Wrong to be insecure and wrong to be who I am and what I am. I am scared. I am scared of the whole world chasing my ass as if I am an little child. I am scared of being judged, being seen, being a part of something, having an habit and of being someone I wanted to be.

"There are many things to be afraid of in life but being nervous or being yourself is not one of them" said an teacher from drama classes. She was right. I am scared to admit that I am afraid of living. But luckily I am not the only one. Everyday I see, feel and read all this stuff on tumblr about people who are scared and insecure. Sad, happy, in love, lovesick, brokenhearted etc. So when I began to read all this stuff, I recognized myself. I have been there. I am there.

This stuff might be for some people a little bit too much over thinking but I think I am right to talk and think about it. I am doing the right thing in admitting that I am scared of the unknown and scared of living my life. There is no one to tell how to do tese things and if I start an talk about this subject people just change to them selfs or want to quit after 2 minutes saying this stuff is too 'deep'.

Yes, I am an teenage girl with the age of 18. I am immature, single, fantasying about guys liking me and I am an absolute dork for books about everything and nothing. Is that really totally wrong? Am I really that weird? HELLO Little lost bear speaking. do you have an emergency line for weird, crazy people? No? That is a pity.

I miss my friends. ALOT. Not the friends I have known for centuries but my school friends. D and E and M. I all miss them so much.  I wish I was just accepted in Photography and then I would be at school taking picture together with them. Sure I am speaking with friends. Over Whatsapp and facebook.

Mom said our dog won't live long anymore. And strangely enough, I was not mad at her anymore for bringing it up. I have cried already 4 times because I don't want Lara to leave us but when I see her walking that painfully, I kinda understand. It must be so painful and she must really feel tired. I hung a picture of her on my wall in my bedroom. I love her so much. Just anything can be told to her. She would always cuddle up to me when I was crying and I was cuddling up to her when she was afraid of the thunder. I am going to miss her so much and She will always stay in my heart. Where she belongs.

Today it was raining and you know how much I love rain. Singing in the rain all the way. I got all wet home. Yay tea, an blanket and the poncho I bought online that arrived! God, I love my bed.
Well that is it for so far. Any questions? Good. I wish you an good night then and say hello to an new girl. The name of her blog will be...... Nanook Makwa.
Interesting right? Tell you next time!
Greetz! Anouk

Who is god?

So, I actually just finished my other post when I came by and little talk on the blog of paper angels.
It was an post about two children who were selling tissue paper on the station. I read it and then thought about an discussion I had with my dad a couple of days ago.

"Who is god?"

My parents thought me 2 different meanings of god.
1. The man who created it all. The world, the universe, people, animals, weather, pleasure, hate, jesus, etc.
The second was an god who is made of all of us. God would be and spiritual cloud of thoughts, feelings and happenings. And ball of information that would spread over the world. An world of wise words, guidance, people. So the person who would be 'god' would be me. And you. And all the surrounding people who you love, like, see everyday and the people you meet on the way.

So I ask you. Who is god? I god an wise "person" who created all of us in 7 days, makes fate, makes disasters and makes people want to move to make it better. Is he is the puppeteer of fate? The maker of all that is left of us?

Not too long ago I wrote an story about 21-12-2012. This is when the Maya calendar will end.  So they asked me to do an cover about how the world will end. I thought about it for an long time. What kind of story do I want it to be? from what aspect do I want my readers to see it happen? Who will I be and where will I be at that very moment? And then I wrote it. It was about what I could not do and what I didn't do. It was about the coward's in this world who never do anything and just think that everything will be allright. No it will not be.

I don't know if you know the land Tuvalu? That is an land that had 13 islands. 7 of them can be lived on and most of them are full of garbage. Their islands are sinking because of the sea level that is rising. They think that their 'god' will save them. Is it not just standard logic to think that maybe, just maybe god will not save us?

The church is trying to go back to the way the church was 50 years ago. All fierce and keeping their rules. Sure there are some people who are totally happy whit that. My grandma for example. But my parents who wanted to get baptize at the age of 25 said they wanted to write them selfs out  of church. They decided to go back to be an non believer. Our church wants the woman to be less then the man. Of course, because I am an woman, I think this is bullshit but there are so many people who think it's bullshit why would they say that then? That way you really won't get any young people in your church. Mostly they are there because they had to because of their parents. Not that they agree with your words of wisdom.

Maybe I am coming to strong over. Maybe I am judging too fast but have you ever thought about why there would be 4 versions of the tale about jesus? Yes he was an hero to them but I think he was not god's gift. Maybe He was just an good political person who stood up for the people in Jerusalem and defended them fromt the Romanian soldiers who occupied Jerusalem in the time Jesus spoke for his people. Maybe the Bible is just an great written story. No one knows he really did exist because we where not there. We all where not even born.

So if I had to choose, I would favor option 2. Because to me, it sounds more logical. Although I would love it if there really was an god and an Jesus. That would mean someone would really watch over us. What I do believe in is fate and aura. Both of them have been appeard in front of me and both made an great change in my life.
So after this long post I wish you all and happy sleeping time!
Greetz! Anouk

Pen pal.

Hi everyone,

It's me again! Yay! No.. Anyway, I have been.... alone the past couple of weeks and I need someone to look forward to. This may sound weird but I need a new friend.
Mostly I'd like it to be an boy and he has to be about my age and willing to write me.
Yes you heard me, and guy who will write me an letter. Handwritten with a pen and paper. You know, that thing people did when internet didn't even exist!
Also, I need an new name for my blog. The name of my website is also going to be different so I need an new concept. Jup. Awesome.

The days have been hard. I am tired, in period and just feeling teased all the time. I think I really need to see the guys who are working around me like... bro's or old men. I feel so uncomfortable.
One of the guys is called Koen. He is kinda nice. He is a little more like the big bro type and then you also have Marco who is more the little brother type. The third is Jeroen who is my boss and he is like the... I don't want to grow up but oops I did. So annoying. Maybe I shouldn't write all of this down..

Moving on to the next subject should be Friday and Sunday! Friday I promised my best friend since ever to go do something fun. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO! I just don't have the creativity for that kind of stuff. What I like to do is just sit in my room and watch films all day. I know what you are thinking and no, I am not an weird person. Maybe just an little bit. :D So do you have any suggestions my dear people who probably do not even read this because if you would you would comment right?
Sunday, I am going to Wicked! So excited! That was my birthday present which has already past 2 months ago but the best part of it is that my aunt is also coming with us. I have not seen her in almost an year and today she was at our house. I was so happy!

So finally I have something to really look forward to and that keeps me from thinking about the toilet all the time and how much my tummy ache is. Yay!
Goodbye sweet world and have an great time!
Greetz! and love, Anouk.

Dear everyone,

I am sick. Sick being an little no one and be teased all the time. I just act out as if I like it but do you really think I do?  Another thing is that I am on my period and the people on internship were an ass. Just 2 more days and I will be just alright.  Then he will be on an short holiday and I will be free for an couple of days. I WANT CAKE!!  No I want to be skinny.  Shit. It's an forever fight between things I love and things I want. Please sweet bloody period pass by quickly.  Thank you. I have not been doing anything at all actually...  Yes I am an boring person who pretends to be funny. Dear everyone,  I love you!! 
Greetz!  Anouk