To tell the truth, The truth is, I lied, I am an liar

To tell the truth, is difficult.
To tell the truth, I think I am better then anyone in the whole world
To tell the truth, I am obsessed with myself.
To tell the truth, I am so obsessed that I can not love myself.
To tell the truth, I am selfish.
To tell the truth, I hate who I am.

The truth is, I hate how I isolate myself from where no one will see me.
The truth is, I am not that insecure anymore.
The truth is, I want to chase after my dream.
The truth is, I don't know what makes me that special from anyone else.
The truth is, I am ashamed of myself allot.

I lied, I am in love with a boy who is 2 years younger then me and I don't f*king care what you think.
I lied, I am alone and unhappy without a real reason.
I lied, I need friends.
I lied, I do want someone else then my parents to love me.
I lied, I think I can sing better than anyone in my choir.

I am an liar. To everyone including myself.
Telling the truth is difficult or is it not?

Theater, dat is wat ik wil: Gouden inspiratiebron.

Theater, dat is wat ik wil: Gouden inspiratiebron.: Donkere diepe meren die zich vullen met koud bergwater. Water dat blijft komen en de meren vult. Nergens een uitweg voor de vloeibare stof....

The life of an weird woman.

Hi blog! Yes this post is for you because all this time you have always been there for me.  I am changing and it feels great. I am seeing the things in life like I have never seen. An world is opening up to me. An  of social life full of excitement and adventures. I am missing the people from summercamp a lot! God, I feel alive. Also missing my friend from school but now that I have met new people who are not always kind to me, I feel like an unicorn in an field with business men who ignore me all the way, I can finally breath. Breath the air. Not worry about what other people may think of me. I am just being me in the good and bad way. Before long ago I have not been very good at expressing my feelings so now when I am not happy with something I just try to stay calm and just do what he says. That is how it is going to be. Peaceful. Probably won't work all the time but whatever. So I am sitting here right now on my internet in an spacebar eating chips and drinking an milkshake. And I don't fucking care what people they think. Yes that does feel goodd.
See you later! Greetz! Anouk

Souls

Hi and welcome to my blog.
Today has been an weird but strangely enjoying day even though nothing actually really happend.

Yesterday, I have started to watch an new serie called Switched at birth. It's about two families who's daughters got switched at birth and they just lived with them till one girl found out that her blood group is different then those of her parents. They get in contact with their real family and find out that the other girl is deaf. So I have almost all of season 1 and thought about it really hard and then decided that I want to learn sign language. I know it sound crazy for someone who has never, ever been in contact with someone who is deaf but I think I just really want to learn this.

So I searched around and I am going to buy some books about it. I told my parents and luckily they already have had tese moments of mine more in their lives. They said fine.
I think in my future it will come in handy and this way I can learn something most teenagers are not even bothered to learn about. Awesome right?

I said today is an weird day and that is because the hours just pass me by without me doing anything at all. It still feels like morning. and it has been slightly enjoying because I found something I like to do. To learn about.

I want to talk about souls. When I was four, I saw this film called 'Pocahontas'. I am sure you all know about it because we all just loooooove Disney. Anyway, Pocahontas is an spiritual, deep thinking, wise, full of soul and forgetting not mention beautiful girl. She is the princess of her tribe and she has an fiancee and everything is just fixed up all the way. All she needs to do is marry this native american man and everything will be happily ever after. Then suddenly an stranger shows up and they fall in love even tho their difference in culture.

I was a little girl who always felt different from the girls around her and my sister so when I saw that film I was feeling just.... connected to her somehow. She was the person who I wanted to be as an grown up. As an teenager. Someone who saw the good in evil and saw the world as something we have to care and live with not against. I wanted to be that spiritual girl who felt the wind, the breath of nature and the souls of all the things around me.

I am different. I have always been. I can hear voices in my head from animals around me. I can see things with my eyes most people cannot or wil not see. I can feel things others can not feel. How I know this? Because I just have been living with these thought my whole life. Why can I make friends so easily? Because I see what they like, want they don't like, why they are sad or happy. Everyone, everything is like an book for me that I just open and read.

You probably think I am weird because, well I am. But my whole life I have been trying to fit in, trying to make friends, trying to be someone I am not. I believe in things most people never heard of. I like things some people never even touched. I know things some people didn't know exist.
Today, I was touching, cuddling my dog. As I told in my last post, she isn't going to be around long anymore. To get is straight, I can not read the mind of anyone. Just by seeing behavior I notice things and come to know something about anything. She was... It was almost as if she was asking me if something was wrong.

I said,' Let's go outside.' She stood up and walked to the door. Then she laid on the grass and watched me as I put up an chair. I was looking at her. And then I realized that, of course, She also has an soul. An beautiful soul. The most purest, gentle soul of all. I walked towards her. We have two ways of cuddling, one that I lay down beside her and pet her and the other that I lay down behind her and she gets pet on her stomach. She just knew exact what I was going to do. I layed behind her and she was just totally silent. She just waited for me to cuddle up to her.

She is an hero to me. She is.... my best friend ever. And I am going to lose her. Sometime soon. As I told before, I put an picture of her in an frame and hanged it on my wall. It was one of the first pictures I took with (then) my new camera. She looks at the camera and she is just adorale. When I showed to my teacher last year she said it looked like she was crying but as I look upon  it now, I looks like she is trying to tell me something. I hope that would be something like: 'I love you' or 'I care for you'.

Some people might think I am crazy for being so hung up for my dog. 'I mean, it's an dog right?' is what they would probably say.  I believe that all things in life has an soul and has an meaning and is different all in their own way. Shit that sounded deep! :D When I see the pictures in my room I think of why I liked photography so much anyway. That is because every photo can have an meaning to it and I can finally put my soul into something. My soul and that of the one thing I take an picture of.

Well that is it going to be for today. Long enough don't you think?
I wished someone would actually read this. That would be so cool.
Great evening! Greetz! Anouk

The little lost bear.

Hi no one,
I am me. I am lost. All my life I have been thinking that all the people around me are better, smarter, more beautiful and way more interesting then me. All my life I felt like someone wanted to take everything I have and just trow it into the sea like a bag of garbage. So I thought I was.

The little lost bear began as an name for the "real" me. An girl who is scared of everything and never know what she wants. I thought that was wrong to be. Wrong to be insecure and wrong to be who I am and what I am. I am scared. I am scared of the whole world chasing my ass as if I am an little child. I am scared of being judged, being seen, being a part of something, having an habit and of being someone I wanted to be.

"There are many things to be afraid of in life but being nervous or being yourself is not one of them" said an teacher from drama classes. She was right. I am scared to admit that I am afraid of living. But luckily I am not the only one. Everyday I see, feel and read all this stuff on tumblr about people who are scared and insecure. Sad, happy, in love, lovesick, brokenhearted etc. So when I began to read all this stuff, I recognized myself. I have been there. I am there.

This stuff might be for some people a little bit too much over thinking but I think I am right to talk and think about it. I am doing the right thing in admitting that I am scared of the unknown and scared of living my life. There is no one to tell how to do tese things and if I start an talk about this subject people just change to them selfs or want to quit after 2 minutes saying this stuff is too 'deep'.

Yes, I am an teenage girl with the age of 18. I am immature, single, fantasying about guys liking me and I am an absolute dork for books about everything and nothing. Is that really totally wrong? Am I really that weird? HELLO Little lost bear speaking. do you have an emergency line for weird, crazy people? No? That is a pity.

I miss my friends. ALOT. Not the friends I have known for centuries but my school friends. D and E and M. I all miss them so much.  I wish I was just accepted in Photography and then I would be at school taking picture together with them. Sure I am speaking with friends. Over Whatsapp and facebook.

Mom said our dog won't live long anymore. And strangely enough, I was not mad at her anymore for bringing it up. I have cried already 4 times because I don't want Lara to leave us but when I see her walking that painfully, I kinda understand. It must be so painful and she must really feel tired. I hung a picture of her on my wall in my bedroom. I love her so much. Just anything can be told to her. She would always cuddle up to me when I was crying and I was cuddling up to her when she was afraid of the thunder. I am going to miss her so much and She will always stay in my heart. Where she belongs.

Today it was raining and you know how much I love rain. Singing in the rain all the way. I got all wet home. Yay tea, an blanket and the poncho I bought online that arrived! God, I love my bed.
Well that is it for so far. Any questions? Good. I wish you an good night then and say hello to an new girl. The name of her blog will be...... Nanook Makwa.
Interesting right? Tell you next time!
Greetz! Anouk

Who is god?

So, I actually just finished my other post when I came by and little talk on the blog of paper angels.
It was an post about two children who were selling tissue paper on the station. I read it and then thought about an discussion I had with my dad a couple of days ago.

"Who is god?"

My parents thought me 2 different meanings of god.
1. The man who created it all. The world, the universe, people, animals, weather, pleasure, hate, jesus, etc.
The second was an god who is made of all of us. God would be and spiritual cloud of thoughts, feelings and happenings. And ball of information that would spread over the world. An world of wise words, guidance, people. So the person who would be 'god' would be me. And you. And all the surrounding people who you love, like, see everyday and the people you meet on the way.

So I ask you. Who is god? I god an wise "person" who created all of us in 7 days, makes fate, makes disasters and makes people want to move to make it better. Is he is the puppeteer of fate? The maker of all that is left of us?

Not too long ago I wrote an story about 21-12-2012. This is when the Maya calendar will end.  So they asked me to do an cover about how the world will end. I thought about it for an long time. What kind of story do I want it to be? from what aspect do I want my readers to see it happen? Who will I be and where will I be at that very moment? And then I wrote it. It was about what I could not do and what I didn't do. It was about the coward's in this world who never do anything and just think that everything will be allright. No it will not be.

I don't know if you know the land Tuvalu? That is an land that had 13 islands. 7 of them can be lived on and most of them are full of garbage. Their islands are sinking because of the sea level that is rising. They think that their 'god' will save them. Is it not just standard logic to think that maybe, just maybe god will not save us?

The church is trying to go back to the way the church was 50 years ago. All fierce and keeping their rules. Sure there are some people who are totally happy whit that. My grandma for example. But my parents who wanted to get baptize at the age of 25 said they wanted to write them selfs out  of church. They decided to go back to be an non believer. Our church wants the woman to be less then the man. Of course, because I am an woman, I think this is bullshit but there are so many people who think it's bullshit why would they say that then? That way you really won't get any young people in your church. Mostly they are there because they had to because of their parents. Not that they agree with your words of wisdom.

Maybe I am coming to strong over. Maybe I am judging too fast but have you ever thought about why there would be 4 versions of the tale about jesus? Yes he was an hero to them but I think he was not god's gift. Maybe He was just an good political person who stood up for the people in Jerusalem and defended them fromt the Romanian soldiers who occupied Jerusalem in the time Jesus spoke for his people. Maybe the Bible is just an great written story. No one knows he really did exist because we where not there. We all where not even born.

So if I had to choose, I would favor option 2. Because to me, it sounds more logical. Although I would love it if there really was an god and an Jesus. That would mean someone would really watch over us. What I do believe in is fate and aura. Both of them have been appeard in front of me and both made an great change in my life.
So after this long post I wish you all and happy sleeping time!
Greetz! Anouk

Pen pal.

Hi everyone,

It's me again! Yay! No.. Anyway, I have been.... alone the past couple of weeks and I need someone to look forward to. This may sound weird but I need a new friend.
Mostly I'd like it to be an boy and he has to be about my age and willing to write me.
Yes you heard me, and guy who will write me an letter. Handwritten with a pen and paper. You know, that thing people did when internet didn't even exist!
Also, I need an new name for my blog. The name of my website is also going to be different so I need an new concept. Jup. Awesome.

The days have been hard. I am tired, in period and just feeling teased all the time. I think I really need to see the guys who are working around me like... bro's or old men. I feel so uncomfortable.
One of the guys is called Koen. He is kinda nice. He is a little more like the big bro type and then you also have Marco who is more the little brother type. The third is Jeroen who is my boss and he is like the... I don't want to grow up but oops I did. So annoying. Maybe I shouldn't write all of this down..

Moving on to the next subject should be Friday and Sunday! Friday I promised my best friend since ever to go do something fun. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO! I just don't have the creativity for that kind of stuff. What I like to do is just sit in my room and watch films all day. I know what you are thinking and no, I am not an weird person. Maybe just an little bit. :D So do you have any suggestions my dear people who probably do not even read this because if you would you would comment right?
Sunday, I am going to Wicked! So excited! That was my birthday present which has already past 2 months ago but the best part of it is that my aunt is also coming with us. I have not seen her in almost an year and today she was at our house. I was so happy!

So finally I have something to really look forward to and that keeps me from thinking about the toilet all the time and how much my tummy ache is. Yay!
Goodbye sweet world and have an great time!
Greetz! and love, Anouk.

Dear everyone,

I am sick. Sick being an little no one and be teased all the time. I just act out as if I like it but do you really think I do?  Another thing is that I am on my period and the people on internship were an ass. Just 2 more days and I will be just alright.  Then he will be on an short holiday and I will be free for an couple of days. I WANT CAKE!!  No I want to be skinny.  Shit. It's an forever fight between things I love and things I want. Please sweet bloody period pass by quickly.  Thank you. I have not been doing anything at all actually...  Yes I am an boring person who pretends to be funny. Dear everyone,  I love you!! 
Greetz!  Anouk

Ain't no sunshine.

Hi Peeps,
It's been awhile. I wonder really why I haven't written anything for an week. That is proberbly because there was not really that much happening.
I have been working hard. I've been holding my head up high. But is that really okay?
Do I have fun? No. Do I learn anything? No. So why am I here? This is not an No or an Yes.
All these song about love, I am searching for the words.
Desire or hate. Maybe they are the same.
Take me on you back, spread your wings fly me away from here.
We close our eyes to see.
I'm on my way. I am going there.
Keep on coming out. I love you.

Today is grey. The clouds are grey, the sky is grey, the sun is grey, the people are grey and my room has never looked so grey.
All these songs that play in my head. Get out, Get out so I won't feel grey as well.
So there ain't no sunshine.

Well that was it for today. The inspiration is gone.
Greetz! Anouk

Wonders

Hey, I am feeling a little it down.
I am wondering. Will anyone ever read this blog?
Proberbly not because, my talking might just be very boring to read.
All the promises I made yesterday to myself, well I didn't do it.
I might be an coward. And there all ready enough of them. - 17/09/2012

The sky people.

I wonder when we stopped seeing the things around us.
The nature, the water, the air and the wonders that the world brought us.
The green grass, the moss on the fallen trees and the sound of the birds.
Our whole existence is around us. The things that gave us life are like magic so why?
Why did we become so greedy about everything.
Why did we stop living together with nature and why do we live agianst it?
Isn't it nature that created us? Isn't just proven that we have had severial evelutions and now grew to become an wise man?

I dare you. Step outside. Maybe in your backyard or in the forest near by and plant you feet in the ground. Do you feel it? Close your eyes. The sand that is tingling between your toes. The enery you recieve from earth. Breath. In and out and again. Feel the wind that brushes agianst your cheek. Hear the sounds. The sound of the trees that sweep with the wind. The sound of the birds passing by. Now open them and look up. See, see all that created us once. The light of the sun, the blue/grey sky and the white clouds that are just passing by.

What is our life? What is your life? Are you happy with it? Are you happy with the time that is passing you by? I bet you are not. Almost 70% of the people are not happy in their daily life. Why?
I am not saying everyone should become an treehugger. No. You should take time to think what life means to you. Yes we are humans and as the time has passed we have been making up our own rules so things don't get out of hand. We have all these obligations that we have toward our family, friends, community and in our faiths. Our trusts to god, boeddha or those other gods. Still, we are all the same. Look around you. We all have fears, have flesh and blood, faiths, believes, dreams, thoughts and we all breath. What makes the white more powerful? What makes the chinese the smartest of hardworkers and what makes the black the most family worthy? Aren't we all the same?

Humans are known for their knowledge, their strong will and feelings that some animals don't have. We have (as far as we know) the greatest brain with more thousands electronics that make an network of all that is around us. So, why is it that an 18 year old girl who hasn't seen even half of the world and is not the smartest child of all, knows all tese things and has to tell you about it? Aren't we the wisest animal of all? Then why are we being so foolish? Economics? Who cares about something like that? They didn't exist in the time we had only half of the knowledge we have now. Money? Wealth? What is that anyway?

Now, for the second time. Look around. What do you see? Do you see all of us, being happy that we have these easy gadgets and modern feathures? No. Try to imagne it again. The trees, the sounds, the wind, the light. All of them are we. We are them. Of course we all have dreams. Dreams of an careless life, dreams of fame or wealth but what do they mean when there will be a time that all of that falls. Who will we be and what will we do? If you try to understand even nature just a little bit, nature will try to understand you.

I have had an accident when I was 15. I got hit by an car who was way to fast. I got rammed on the cover of the car to the front glass. After that is slided on the ground. I layed there for an minute or so and then stood up. I saw all my stuff shattered on the floor so I began to pick them up. Not a skratch. No wound. I was just fine. It was my fate. I did not need to die. I needed to live. I prayed to god. I prayed to all the people that are in my heaven and thanked them. The angels, the boeddha, the germanic gods and the roman gods. I thanked them all. I am someone who needs to do something.

Maybe I cannot save all people. Maybe I cannot teach them how to think but what I can do is try. Try to help them in my way. Try to bring this message to people and try to wake them from what they need to see. Mother nature. If you really want to see something touching that you need to see this. The girl who silenced the world for 6 minutes. That is how it should be done.

Great greetz!, Anouk

Sun-day. I know, I know.

Sunday. An day in the history that everyone went to church. All dolled up in their best clothes. If I see these films have sunday's in them I just wonder how that all really was. I don't believe the shit of it. My granmother's never tell me anything about the past. Most grandparents tell their grandchildren these stories about how they grew up and how they made all tese memories. One time when I was about 8 I asked my grandma about woldwar 2. All she said was that it was an time that she could not eat everything that she wanted. Later, a couple of weeks ago, I found out that she lost an sister in the war. Why would she not tell me that? Why would she never talk about that? My grandfather died before I was born of longcancer. I never knew him but I have seen picture of him. Fat, ugly he was. How did someone like my mom, who was beautiful at my age, get her gene's from someone so ugly?
Still, he is my grandfather so I never really said something like that out loud.
My other grandfather died when I was 2/3 years old. I remember nothing of him. Still there are pictures of me and him so there is proof of that I actually "knew" him. 

When I was a young girl, I got bullied. I was too fat, too ugly. I was stupid and an crybaby. Always running to mommy when it all got too heavy for me to carry. There was one bully in my class and one in my home(my sister). If I think about it, proberbly did my sister just as much damage as that girl from my class. Now, like 5/6 years later, we get just fine along. Weird how things turn out. Even though  my sister bullied me alot I always protected her from other people bullying her. I loved her and I always will. On the other hand, the girl from my class, I did not forgive. I see her from time to time in places like the station or supermarket and even now we do not even look each other in the eyes. She is evil. A witch. Or a demon. All of them are fine because she is the cause of my lonely being. But there allways two sides to every story. She made me who I am. Strong, proud and not afraid to be myself sometimes. - I know people who are never theirselfs.

Our dog has been breathing heavily. I am worried because you know, she is rather old. I don't want to lose her. So I decided to stay home tomorrow. Not because I am afraid she has an heartattack and dies or something like that but my mom said that if she was not to get any better she will put her to sleep. That means that she is going to kill our dog. I don't want her to die because I love her. Please, don't take her away from me. She has been there all my life( not all my life but you know).

I miss mom. I miss dad. Everyday. Every hour. Maybe I just need company. Other then my dog. I am counting down the days that my internship will be over again. I miss school and my friends. I only have a few so than it's even harder to accept that you are all alone. Again.

The rest of the day? It was kinda sunny. It had it's moments. I met the new neighbor from 3 doors. He looks like a nice 40 year old single guy. Maybe he just divorced. Don't worry, he's right eye that looks to the other side when he looks at you is not really attractive. Pfff.. I have been wondering all day. What do I want to do today, why am I living this lonely life and why do I not dare to take any risks at all? So I bought a big sorbet icecream coop in the supermarket and ate it all by-my-self. What can I say? I am an woman and I love chocolate icecream. Who doesn't? Don't answer that.

Saterday came a new book in. "The Grey Owl" it's called and it is an story of an native american who wrote his life. I know, for most people it may sound boring but I really like it. I am planning on reading it tomorrow. I hope I will like it. I hope I won't have any stomach pains from all the icecream I ate. Also, I need to get going with an book! My internship mentor said that if I wanted to produce a book we should do it trough his company. That way we will have less costs and the book will be cheaper which makes it easier to sell. I want to write an childrens book. It has to have pictures in it and the story should be classic but wonderful. First I need an story. Difficult but not the most difficult. That will be the drawings.

You see, I don't have one style. In some ways that is good and in other ways it's not. I have taste in what I like but the pictures I have in my head are never the same as the outcome. Pity. I am so going to rock that book. I have allready tried to draw some things but they should be for work and not for myself. I know, I know.

I have also done some Dreamweavering today. I put a whole website together. But it still doesn't work the way I want it to. The plan was also to give my blog(this one) an update on the layout but I haven't decided yet what I want to do with it. It's rather hard to 'just' choose something. I know, I know.

Well, I guess that was all for today. I wonder what will come tomorrow. Maybe I should sleep with my dog tonight. Who knows. Have an nice evening!

Greetz!, Anouk

Secret.

I have a secret.  No, I am not pregnant and no I am not lesbian.
My secret is way scarier then that.
I am someone that has the same as my sister. We can't calm down.
It may sound weird but I am always with alot of enery.
Not only that, I have these "attacks" as in like hart attacks.
I will breath extremely hard and can only calm down when I distract myself from everthing.
Best way to that, Watch an movie.
Nobody knows this, because I have been suffering from this all alone but, Now you kinda know so... that's cool. I guess. This can't calm down thing has been going on with my sister and she had to go in therapy so when I found out, I had a kind of the same I was scared. What if I had to go in therapy? Would they find out more then I wanted? And if they did, would they think I was a wacko?

The drama of my life is somthing I will tell some other time because right now, It's almost 11PM and I am all alone at home. So I hate to cry like this when I feel like no one would care for me.
I have many more secrets that I do not intend to tell. This secret was something I had to tell because I was scared. All alone, whith only an dog to maybe care. So I say to you, good night.
Tomorrow I am going to update my website, blog etc.
That is gonna be a lot of work.
Greetz! Anouk

Just Tea.

Hi, and welcome to my blog. Again.
My name is Anouk and I am an lonely, misunderstood, virgin of 18 years old.
Just for the note, I am not taking pity on myself neither being an dramaqueen.
I am just me.

The last few months I have been trying to be someone who is myself. The name I made up for her is Blue. She is free of thoughts, full of dreams and ready to make an adventure of her life. As the weeks pasted and when I had to go back to my normal life after summer vacation I find myself in an spot that I don't know what I want or what I want to do. The people surrounding me are talking as if all the thoughts and dreams I have are wrong. I feel caged in my own mind, in my house and in my life as an 18 year old, 3rd year of highschool(my school has 4 years) who just has to be someone she is not. I want to run free. I want to make an change in the world..In my life!

All these things I tell myself might be lies or the might be illusions. I am trapped in my age. I being hold by the adults around me saying that I am only an teenager. "Be realistic" they say. Well, I am.
If "Being realistic" means that I just have to admit myself to the society and think thing I should not to, why do I have these thoughts then? Why do we dream then? No one knows because we are all human and there hasn't been an "jesus" in the last 2012 years who thinks he actually knows those things.

Dear someone,

This is my call for help. This is, what I call, an message from and human that is feeling things she should not have or feeling things I can. Not too long ago, I had an dream. I can not really remember all of it but what I remember was that I was extremely happy and in love. All I can thing about is this sign that keeps on repeating in my head. The sign of crab. You know from like the starsigns but I think that it meant "I love you" in my dreams. Please, tell me who you are so I can ove on with my life.
Tonight the moon will rise but it will be inviseble. That is called "New moon". In the next 15 days the moon will start to appear again. Very slowly so you will proberbly see it again on the 20th or so but between New moon and Full moon there are things to happen. I know it for sure.
Sweet stranger, I will meet you under the sky. The sky that connects all worlds. The whole universe (just for the record, I am not in my period).

I am worried. I worry about the people around me. My mom, my dad, uncle and aunts. Even my dog. Everyone is getting older and I won't have these people around me forever. Do I really have to stand on my own two feet so quickly? I am scared that I will be all left alone. What if my parents one day just didn't come back? I am sure of one thing, then I wouldn't have children because I can't handle them by myself whithout my mom. (I don't have any children!) My dog, Lara, is really getting older. I remember playing with her all summer. Running though the grass and rolling through the mud. But now, she can bearly standup. I need to hold her when she wants to stand or help her stand when she had to eat. I don't want to lose her. She is the only one who has never betrayed me.

You could say, I hate humans. Not all of them. Just the ones that judge so easily. I want this fantasy guy who would actually take the time and enery to really get to know me but I would proberbly have to do the same because that is how relations work right. Maybe I should just stay an virgin forever. That would not even be that bad of an idea. Or I will meet this cute english guy with an british accent. I wouldn't mind that. How he would just whisper these naughty words in my ear. Don't mind the fantasy of an stupid virgin girl. :) I wonder if I will ever fall in love...

Another thing is that I am in an internship right now and all I see is this lonely hopeless man with the age of 45 who has to talk all the time about his ex-girlfriends and an pale scrawny guy who is about an month younger then me but looks 16 and only talks in code language. I miss my friends from school. Maybe I should invite them over. But then again no because the house is an mess. My parents are meeting my uncle and aunt in France so I have the house all by myself. Sunday my sister of almost 20 is coming over so that could be fun... Then I really have to clean up this shit... Shit.

Last summer, I began with an "dummy". It's an book where you tape all the artwork, illustrations, poems, wise words, pictures and stuff that you can find in. Every page has to be an feeling or expression. I think I am half way. it has been... about 6 weeks. I try as many things as possible. It's my motivation, my inspiration, my feelings and my thoughts all combined in one little A5 sized book.
It's almost an everyday thing I do when I get home.  Her name is Blue. Blue for Who I am and who I want to be. It has already opend many doors for me. So, If you want to try it as well here is what you will need to do:

You need:
- 1 book with whit paper (can be an notebook or diary. any size you want)
- 1 pair of scissors (so you can cut out all the pictures you want)
- glue (best if you have the transparent one)
- a bunch of magazines, papers with pictures or anything you can find that has somthing fun in it to snip out.)
- feelings (bad ones or happy ones)
- time.

What you need to do:

Step 1: make the book your own.
Make the cover of the notebook you are using something you want to look at. Make it look like yourself. Just try to be honest.

Step 2: Name you book.
It is very easy to just put in some pictures but if you give it an theme the challenge will be much more fun.

Step 3: Snap it all out.
Just take those magazines and tear everything you think is interesting out. It will make you feel lighter and it will makes you dummy filled with pictures.

Step 4: Creativity
Just start glueing things together. The first couple of pages are allways and disaster. You don't really know what to put in it until you find just the right pictures that rock your world. You can also draw or paint in it. You can to whatever you want with it. Tear it up, lick it, love it. Just put those feelings that you are hiding in there.

Step 5: Close the door.
Now close the book. You have just now started an journey to find yourself. it's an adventure that you have to enjoy. Try new things and be creative but know when it's time to close your book otherwise you will fill like 10 pages all with the same feeling.

And that's all. There you have it. Just an update on how my life has been the past couple months and who I am right now. Through this whole writing thing I have drunk just 1 cup of tea. Amazing hea? I have only stopped 2 times with typing and it took me about one and a half hour.
For those who read the whole thing, thanks. For those who didn't, Fuck you. (you will proberbly not even read this so you don't mind do you?) I miss my friends, I miss my mom and I miss my sister. i love you guys.

Greetz!, Anouk

Prayers, Life and... Springbreak!

Hello everyone,

It's the last day of spring break alltho spring still hasn't come..
I have had a lot of fun the past week. I've been being myself, meeting new people and starting anew. So it's been a good week.

Friday we had rehearsel with our chior and that was ecsepicially quite nice because we are going to sing a song from one of my favorite films called The Prince of Egypt.
The song is called When you Believe and it is about that if you believe in god, he will help you also about freedom and streght of the people who believe in something so, yeah my favorite all time.
The films is also so beautiful so if you have the time to watch it: Here you go!

http://www.putlocker.com/file/17OPSEGYTBDW4SG#

I did some Iceskating this week which was also alot of fun! Wanted to go today too but I had to work on school which I eventally didn't do.. I'm such a loser sometimes.
I wish you a great week ahead and have fun!

Greeeetz, Anouk!

Good morning!

Hello everyone and welcome again on my blog.

I decided to continue with writing my blog posts in English and I will keep it as short as possible. :-D

It's been a long time and a lot happened since my last post.
I have become a more independent woman. And so, I wanted to finally take this blog seriously.
I made a lot of designs since then. Also this week it's doors open in our school so everyone can come and watch! Some of the MV projects of mine will be shown. *proud*

What I also have been doing is watching films/movies because my Mom bought a video player and I have to watch all the video's we once had. It is kinda fun because suddenly you understand the humour in the movies that you as child never really understood.

Another thing that happened reasonably is that I had this design for a dress in my head because of the film: Runway Beat. It is a Japanese film about a teenager who started a clothing line and has his own designs, very inspiring. And so, Tuesday we were out of school at 11 AM so I decided to go to the market to buy some fabric for the dress I wanted to make.
There was this man who sold fabric for 1 Euro a meter. I found two different fabric and I thought 2 meter of each would be enough. Would be four(4) Euro in total. So he began to roll all the fabric off until he suddenly said there was a little ink on the fabric each half meter. So he cut from a different one with the same fabric and suddenly said when he was done, 'Would you like to have the fabric with the ink for free?' So when I went home I had like 9 meter of fabric in my bag! So happy! Sometimes people are so friendly! Thank you man of the fabric stand!

Check out my new photo's I made below or up( don't know where they will end up) and speak to you soon!

Greetz, Anouk