Just Tea.

Hi, and welcome to my blog. Again.
My name is Anouk and I am an lonely, misunderstood, virgin of 18 years old.
Just for the note, I am not taking pity on myself neither being an dramaqueen.
I am just me.

The last few months I have been trying to be someone who is myself. The name I made up for her is Blue. She is free of thoughts, full of dreams and ready to make an adventure of her life. As the weeks pasted and when I had to go back to my normal life after summer vacation I find myself in an spot that I don't know what I want or what I want to do. The people surrounding me are talking as if all the thoughts and dreams I have are wrong. I feel caged in my own mind, in my house and in my life as an 18 year old, 3rd year of highschool(my school has 4 years) who just has to be someone she is not. I want to run free. I want to make an change in the world..In my life!

All these things I tell myself might be lies or the might be illusions. I am trapped in my age. I being hold by the adults around me saying that I am only an teenager. "Be realistic" they say. Well, I am.
If "Being realistic" means that I just have to admit myself to the society and think thing I should not to, why do I have these thoughts then? Why do we dream then? No one knows because we are all human and there hasn't been an "jesus" in the last 2012 years who thinks he actually knows those things.

Dear someone,

This is my call for help. This is, what I call, an message from and human that is feeling things she should not have or feeling things I can. Not too long ago, I had an dream. I can not really remember all of it but what I remember was that I was extremely happy and in love. All I can thing about is this sign that keeps on repeating in my head. The sign of crab. You know from like the starsigns but I think that it meant "I love you" in my dreams. Please, tell me who you are so I can ove on with my life.
Tonight the moon will rise but it will be inviseble. That is called "New moon". In the next 15 days the moon will start to appear again. Very slowly so you will proberbly see it again on the 20th or so but between New moon and Full moon there are things to happen. I know it for sure.
Sweet stranger, I will meet you under the sky. The sky that connects all worlds. The whole universe (just for the record, I am not in my period).

I am worried. I worry about the people around me. My mom, my dad, uncle and aunts. Even my dog. Everyone is getting older and I won't have these people around me forever. Do I really have to stand on my own two feet so quickly? I am scared that I will be all left alone. What if my parents one day just didn't come back? I am sure of one thing, then I wouldn't have children because I can't handle them by myself whithout my mom. (I don't have any children!) My dog, Lara, is really getting older. I remember playing with her all summer. Running though the grass and rolling through the mud. But now, she can bearly standup. I need to hold her when she wants to stand or help her stand when she had to eat. I don't want to lose her. She is the only one who has never betrayed me.

You could say, I hate humans. Not all of them. Just the ones that judge so easily. I want this fantasy guy who would actually take the time and enery to really get to know me but I would proberbly have to do the same because that is how relations work right. Maybe I should just stay an virgin forever. That would not even be that bad of an idea. Or I will meet this cute english guy with an british accent. I wouldn't mind that. How he would just whisper these naughty words in my ear. Don't mind the fantasy of an stupid virgin girl. :) I wonder if I will ever fall in love...

Another thing is that I am in an internship right now and all I see is this lonely hopeless man with the age of 45 who has to talk all the time about his ex-girlfriends and an pale scrawny guy who is about an month younger then me but looks 16 and only talks in code language. I miss my friends from school. Maybe I should invite them over. But then again no because the house is an mess. My parents are meeting my uncle and aunt in France so I have the house all by myself. Sunday my sister of almost 20 is coming over so that could be fun... Then I really have to clean up this shit... Shit.

Last summer, I began with an "dummy". It's an book where you tape all the artwork, illustrations, poems, wise words, pictures and stuff that you can find in. Every page has to be an feeling or expression. I think I am half way. it has been... about 6 weeks. I try as many things as possible. It's my motivation, my inspiration, my feelings and my thoughts all combined in one little A5 sized book.
It's almost an everyday thing I do when I get home.  Her name is Blue. Blue for Who I am and who I want to be. It has already opend many doors for me. So, If you want to try it as well here is what you will need to do:

You need:
- 1 book with whit paper (can be an notebook or diary. any size you want)
- 1 pair of scissors (so you can cut out all the pictures you want)
- glue (best if you have the transparent one)
- a bunch of magazines, papers with pictures or anything you can find that has somthing fun in it to snip out.)
- feelings (bad ones or happy ones)
- time.

What you need to do:

Step 1: make the book your own.
Make the cover of the notebook you are using something you want to look at. Make it look like yourself. Just try to be honest.

Step 2: Name you book.
It is very easy to just put in some pictures but if you give it an theme the challenge will be much more fun.

Step 3: Snap it all out.
Just take those magazines and tear everything you think is interesting out. It will make you feel lighter and it will makes you dummy filled with pictures.

Step 4: Creativity
Just start glueing things together. The first couple of pages are allways and disaster. You don't really know what to put in it until you find just the right pictures that rock your world. You can also draw or paint in it. You can to whatever you want with it. Tear it up, lick it, love it. Just put those feelings that you are hiding in there.

Step 5: Close the door.
Now close the book. You have just now started an journey to find yourself. it's an adventure that you have to enjoy. Try new things and be creative but know when it's time to close your book otherwise you will fill like 10 pages all with the same feeling.

And that's all. There you have it. Just an update on how my life has been the past couple months and who I am right now. Through this whole writing thing I have drunk just 1 cup of tea. Amazing hea? I have only stopped 2 times with typing and it took me about one and a half hour.
For those who read the whole thing, thanks. For those who didn't, Fuck you. (you will proberbly not even read this so you don't mind do you?) I miss my friends, I miss my mom and I miss my sister. i love you guys.

Greetz!, Anouk